I feel taken advantage of….maybe a little used. Certainly not number 1.
Wow. I just figured it out. I realize why I’ve been so insecure lately. Whats with my mood a little bit and why I have been feeling as though I’ve been pushed aside or never really picked up in the first place.
Andrew constantly would make me feel important when I was with him (for the most part anyway) he would focus on me, make sure i was happy, etc. But the second I wasn’t with him, It was like i didn’t even exist at all. He always chose someone else over me, and it was a constant battle upon my emotions.
I am the type of person who wants to be important to someone. I want that someone to show me that I am important to them, to show me that they care about how I feel. To love me enough to want to show me off like the shiny new toy they got on Christmas. I want to be the shiny toy that never gets old. I want to be the person they never get bored of spending time with. I am so tired of constantly coming in second to people in my life and I truly cannot take it anymore. It hurts my heart. The feeling of not being good enough for someone can be a painful experience. It just sucks.
And as much as I want to feel like I am number 1 to Alex, I constantly feel like I am not, like I’m not that important to him…..dont get me wrong, sometimes I do feel important to him. But moments where I’m a stupid girl and can’t stop myself from creeping on his exs Facebook at least a little bit and find things that he writes to her that he never writes to me makes me feel a little like shit.
Its stupid to make a big deal about Facebook, because thats truly not what its about, my not feeling important, but Facebook has such great examples of exactly why I don’t feel important. When your boyfriend is supposed to be the one who makes you feel nice, or make you feel pretty, or make you feel important but is instead making his ex girlfriend feel that way. It hurts…… because i have been there already and I don’t want to go back. Id rather be by myself and be alone than to have someone put me on the side.
Alex says he loves me, says he cares, and that he acts certain ways because he is scared of falling in love…..and I don’t know how I feel about that. Because to me it almost sounds like an excuse.
Truly I hope that I make Alex feel important. He is one of the most important people to me at this time in my life….Im in love with him but sometimes I’m just afraid that maybe I’m pushing too far or too much. But am I pushing too much? Because to me, how I feel is relevant. How I feel should be important. Maybe I am pushing too much for him? and if thats true, are we good for each other? I really don’t want to think that we aren’t. I’ve never felt this way before about anyone, and it sounds so cliché but its the truth.
I just need to feel wanted.